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Recent questions

Helen Granskog / Certified Wellness Coach
During Valentines we often think of and talk about the special love between two people but I would encourage us to take some time to celebrate the love we should have for ourselves, first. Only when we love ourselves first and make sure our needs are met, can we successfully and adequately meet the needs of those around us. We can only give what we have from a full cup. The best gift you can give this year is prioritizing and taking time for your self-care. Self-care is essential in order to live a balanced life full of love. When our own needs are not met in the midst of a busy schedule, we get burned out and are no longer effective at meeting the needs of those we love. Make time to figure out what would bring you peace, maybe it is a massage regularly, a night out with the girls, time to just sit and read, painting, journaling, taking a nap, taking an interesting class, meditation or engaging in some exercise.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
Being in love gets you interested in being with the person for any amount of time. It's sort of the pre-game show, or antipasto, or salad for meals. During this exciting part of the relationship you can begin to figure out if you can actually live with your mate as a married couple. But you can only think clearly if you don't allow the "being in love" part to cloud your judgment. Remember, lots of people in-love couples are now divorced couples. In other words, many people who divorced say that they are still in love with their ex-spouses. Being in love (sometimes) is not enough.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
This is up to you. I'd say, say "I love you" the moment your know. You can always give an explanation about the timeliness of it. While you're analyzing the thing, you could planning the next move together. Go for it. His or her response will be good information going forward.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
I'd say we JUMP into love and not fall. Falling implies "out of control." and if we truly fall in love withour our consent then we'd have more multi-ethnic couples, more tall women with short men, more rich and poor combinations, more same-sex couples, more disparities in educational levels within couples, and more age variations. This is not an exhaustive list but you get what I'm saying. My belief is that love is a choice so we choose who we want to fall in love with--so it's both. Said differently, we look for what we want in a partner then we allow ourselves to give in to the love for the other person. The fall is a choice based on our personal preferences. And should you fall in love with someone it is still by choice, I believe.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
If you are a man the first thing you need to do is assess what kind of things the woman might appreciate. If you can’t tell, then ask. If you don’t want to ask, just do the things that you think she might appreciate: opening doors, helping with jackets/coats, complimenting her outfit/hair/fragrance etc. She’ll either show you or tell you what she appreciates in the small gestures. Then you’ll want to bring your “A-game” conversation. Allow her to lead the conversation is she’s talkative at all. Then be thoughtful and as agreeable as you can be. You don’t have to kiss-up to her, but you do have to respectfully disagree as appropriate. Good table manners, tipping well, being courteous to others are all turn-ons. Also, humor and intelligent conversation are really big turn-ons. So relax, be as authentic as possible, and turn it on just enough to keep her engaged. Oh yes, don’t try anything fast on the first date even if she appears willing. You want her to all but say how fast she wants to go and when.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
Bless your EI heart! Congrats on your ability to name what is going on socially with you and women. There are a lot of brothers that are so committed to the Man Box that they will not say the thing you’ve just said. You are truly a mature man who is confident enough in his manhood that labels don’t intimidate or infuriate you. I had to say that. Now, to butch it up. But first, many women are not accustomed to a fully evolved man, so know that even some of the ones that can dig you, will wonder the same things as others do. But don’t let that bother you, these have been indoctrinated and know how the Man Box-man looks, talks, walks, and dresses, etc. So be patient. I’m going to offer suggestions for your question, but don’t get pulled over to the dark-side should you decide to take the "advice."  1) Talk slowly 2) Use as much bass in your voice as you can muster 3) Walk slowly with strength and swag—Denzel Washington is a good example 4) Wear darker colors; avoid being too fashionable Now, the best way to attract the kind of woman that fits the man that you are is to Do You. The right one will be just fine with the out-of-the-man-box you. But, should you attract this woman using the above inane suggestions, as soon as you sense that she is the one, TELL HER THE TRUTH. If she is righteous (old school word for the right kind or one) then you’ll have a hearty laugh together. Let me know how this works? You know where to find me.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
The first thing you need to do is decide that you want to be in the game. This means asking yourself the hard questions like “What do I want and why do I want it?” If you can satisfy yourself with your answers then the next thing to do is to affirm that you want someone special (I’m assuming) in your life. Affirm this by saying “Yes, I want someone_____.” Keep affirming this every time you think about what you want. Finally, you need to keep your eyes open because with this declaration you are in the game, my friend.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
The answer to your question requires more time to provide an adequate response, but very quickly, here goes: Make up your mind that the fear will not stop you from getting what you want. Decide that the worst thing that could happen is not bad at all—you will learn something about her, him, or yourself that you may use for the next “right one.” And sooner than later you will hit the mark and land the one. Fear is wisdom asking you to take it slow, trust yourself, and learn something new.
Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416) / Psychotherapist; Inclusion & Diversity Expert / LMFT
I have a few explanation for people who always tell you what they have done. 1) They are always working—prospecting, networking--it’s what they do--man or woman 2) Men: Stereotypically, men "are what they do." In Western society, we have trained boys and men to think about their worth in terms of what they do for a living and how much money they garner doing it. So a man is thinking that if he shares with you what he’s done, he’s telling you who he is. So, if you want to know “what kind of person” he is you must ask: “What do you think about . 3) Men or Women: Besides always networking, these individuals are very proud of their accomplishments and are highly unaware of how socially inept this is or how irritating it is for the listener. If you don’t want to hear the update on the resume then say something like, “Great work on < fill in the new thing they’ve done>, so tell me what are your thoughts about . Good luck with this.
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